What’s worse than being a 30 something year old woman out in the dating world trying to find her perfect soul mate? Being a 30 something year old woman out in the dating world trying to find her second perfect soul mate who doesn’t mind that she’s divorced, unemployed, and has two young kids that he’ll have to pretend to find charming and delightful. What could be worse than that? Oh, I’ve got something worse than that…
Let’s start with the dating scene. I’ve been out of it for a good twelve years, so when my single friends complained about the state of dating and relationships I just thought they needed to quit whining and make some more effort. And maybe lose 5 lbs. And do something with that God-awful haircut they’ve had for the last 15 years. But I digress. Smug in my perfect marriage, with my perfect husband and my perfect children, I was conceited enough to look down upon the lonely masses and breathe a sigh of relief that I was not one of them. And then it happened.
The D word. Divorce. My perfect husband came crashing down, ripping my perfect marriage down with him like some bad soap opera actor tearing down the lush silk dining room curtains in a drunken rage. But this was no soap opera (I wish it was because then I could have shot him, suffered from amnesia, ran off to a deserted island, been pronounced dead in a shipwreck, and miraculously come back with a nice tight face lift and perky boobs…but I digress again!)
So what’s a girl to do? More importantly what’s a divorced girl with two kids under ten to do? Two words for ya…ONLINE DATING.
Now, I know, I know, you’ve all heard the horror stories about online dating: the men have combovers, are ugly, and sex freaks, the women are desperate, fifty pounds overweight with names like Shirley Ann who post pictures from ten years ago (in case there are any Shirley Ann’s in the audience, I think that is a perfectly classy and beautiful name). Well I am here to tell you these horror stories are wrong, WRONG I tell you! I met a wonderful, sexy, man from France who took me to expensive restaurants, appreciated fine wine, and could speak articulately about literature, world events, and global warming and the affect it’s having on innocent bunny rabbits. Then he dumped me and I quickly found out that those horror stories are all TRUE, every last one of them!
So as not to send you screaming into the night, I’ll give a brief synopsis of what I’ve encountered in one (yes, just ONE) month of online dating. The first date after my heart was smashed by Frenchie was a tall cute Indian guy who is an engineer. So far so good. We got drinks, talked about business, and world events, nice guy. He could be the one. Second date: Walk along the beach and more great conversation. About him. And his job. And how much money he made. And how he had enough money in his portfolio to retire today at 36. Yeah, I thought all this was great and wonderful, but why didn’t he take me to lunch. Nothing fancy, just a burger, a nice salad. Know what I got? A cup of coffee. A freakin’ six hour date and all I got was a cup of coffee! Oh, we did stop at McDonalds, but that was to get another cup of coffee…for him. 6 sugars, 6 creams. No lie. Now I love lots of sugar and cream but c’mon be a man!
Second date: Neurotic 51 year old Jewish ex-stockbroker. Great body, but kept talking about his ex wife’s shoe collection. Third date: Divorced, 38 year old lawyer. He kept talking about his ex-wife’s new boyfriend and how he wasn’t jealous. Fourth date: married swinger, another lawyer. No comment necessary. Fifth date: 48 (defiantly lying about his age) entrepreneur who couldn’t keep his hands off of me 30 minutes into our date and kept telling me how black chicks were hot. (He was a white South Afrikan, must have been some residual apartheid guilt). The dating blitz continues… (my heart was broken, cut me some slack)! Sixth date: a hot, hot, hot 24 year old. Unfortunately he was also dumb, dumb, dumb, wanted me to meet his mom, plan our wedding and adopt my kids all by next week. What kind of 24 year old is this? Rounding out my dating rodeo was a bi-sexual artist, a beefed up real estate broker who kept bragging about some land he bought behind Paris Hilton’s house, and a city commissioner who had his six year old daughter call me the day after our first date to ask if I could be her new mommy. Needless to say, she didn’t get a call back!
So, what is a divorced girl with two kids under the age of ten to do? Two words for ya…STAY HOME!
But seriously, fellow divorcees, I know it’s tough advice but please don’t go through what I went through. Stay home, work on you, love you, treat you right, and that special someone will come along to sweep you off your feet. Sweep yourself off your own feet first by realizing how awesome you are…and don’t date married swingers!
My story is being featured on the home page of DivineCaroline.com: “Dating After Divorce: Two Words for Ya.” Also visit www.kimhess.com Read it and laugh!
Related posts:
meandmom
1 year ago
Hi Kim! I found your blog after doing a random blog search. Wow! I couldn’t believe that you were writing MY story! Right up to the dating part. I got really lucky with my first online date…..3.5 years later we are still totally loving each other. I was prepared for your version though! I’m looking forward to your other post marriage adventures!
-The Mom
meandmom
1 year ago
Hi Kim! I found your blog after doing a random blog search. Wow! I couldn’t believe that you were writing MY story! Right up to the dating part. I got really lucky with my first online date…..3.5 years later we are still totally loving each other. I was prepared for your version though! I’m looking forward to your other post marriage adventures!
-The Mom
abscondo
1 year ago
holy smokes (!) those are some pretty bad dates.
Don’t give up though, I’m sure you can find what you’re looking for! I’ve met a few people from “the web” myself and 90% were good people, no freaks so far. (except for the one that insisted on biting me 10 minutes after we met of course, but that’s another story)
Anyway, entertaining blog!
- abscondo
esthertrojan
1 year ago
U posted it under humor, thats right humor. I had a hearty laugh.
Hey, u did not tell us what happened to that coward who left you. There must be a few more guys like that in the world, waiting for a funny like you. Do not loose heart.
J.L. Smith
3 weeks ago
Just wanted to share my own story, which is an excerpt from a bonus chapter in my book:
~ Online Dating for “Old Enough to Know Better” Dummies ~
When suddenly single, I did what any other 50-year old woman would do…dip my toes in the online dating pool.
While searching one day, I came across an extremely handsome man, far too good looking to be interested in me; so I clicked off his profile. (Being an amateur, I didn’t realize that a person knows who “views” them.) Mr. Gorgeous emailed me and we began talking daily. He said his birthday was the following weekend and I had good vibes, so I offered to buy him dinner.
Saturday night I excitedly got dressed and drove to his place. He wasn’t home yet, so I waited anxiously in my car. Finally, I saw a car drive up and park in the garage. “That can’t be him” I thought; from the way he described his high-profile career, he must be driving something a little newer. But suddenly there was a face in my window and he was telling me to put my window down. (In hindsight, that moment was my biggest mistake; I should have started my car and put the gas pedal through the floor.)
“I can’t get over it; you look just like your beautiful pictures”, he said. “I can’t get over it either, how you don’t look one iota like your pictures. (Eventually I found out that they were taken 15 years ago.)
He asks if he can drive my car because he’s been thinking of getting one like it. Oh, so you’re finally gonna take that giant leap and trade in your 1978 Pontiac Fiero for a new Lexus? Whatever; I just wanna go home!!! He asks where the key is and I tell him that it’s in my purse; my car has a push-button starter”. He is equally amazed at this and the navigation system. (Get out much?) I cannot control the urge to roll my eyes…and I don’t care if he saw it.
Now comes the most embarrassing moment; he emerges from the car and says to the valet: ”Hey, man, my car has a push-button starter; are you sure you know how to operate it?” I stifle my urge to scream: “He’s a valet–in Los Angeles–he sees these every freakin’ day!” The valet smirked, but I couldn’t raise my eyes to meet his; the humiliation was too great. And by the way, ”your” car????
Horrified by what I had just heard, I walked numbly into the restaurant, comforted by the fact that it’s a Chinese restaurant; this should be fast and inexpensive. Once inside, the waiter seats us and asks what we’d like to drink. “Anything!” I shriek. Both he and the waiter turn to look at me questioningly. He, of course, ordered champagne because it was my “treat”. Okay, maybe this night isn’t going to be relatively inexpensive…or relatively fun …or relatively ANYTHING!!!
As I stare blankly at the menu, I realize that I can’t do this. My eyes scan the room for the back door to make my escape. I excuse myself to “go to the ladies room” and I am stopped in my tracks in horror at the memory of whose car the valet thinks that is; he’s never going to risk his job! My shoulders drop and I shuffle dejectedly towards the ladies’ room.
I got it…the old “emergency” call!!! I excitedly throw open the door of the ladies room and wade through the water on the floor before placing 7 or 8 seat protectors down and take a seat to begin calling everyone I know to find someone who can call me back with an “emergency”.
As I dial the first (of many) numbers, I’m smiling wickedly while rehearsing my lines. I called everyone I could think of, but I was foiled again; it’s Saturday night and no one answers. My smile is quickly, brutally turned upside down.
When I return, my “date” has just finished ordering and he turns to me and says “what would you like, Baby?” Baby? After an eternity, the waiter brings the food…then more food…and even more food. I look at the waiter questioningly; he feels my pain and just shrugs and walks away.
I counted 6 entrees; I was so upset I could barely eat. When finished, he asked the waiter to wrap up the leftovers to go, even taking mine. I think I saw a look of pity in the waiter’s eye when he handed me the check; he didn’t even offer it to my “date”, because he knew who was paying for that dinner-in more ways than one!!
I was livid as I watched him load the huge bag into the back seat, wishing it would slip from his slimy hands and wind up as one big Chinese mess on the concrete. The valet had a look of pity in his eyes too when he offered the keys to him. “No…that’s okay…I’ll drive my car back” I said, quickly removing the keys from his outstretched hand.
The drive took forever, but finally there, I waited (against my better judgment) for him to retrieve his food and as soon as he closed the door, I pushed the gas pedal to the floor, leaving him standing on the sidewalk. When I looked back, he wasn’t even looking at me; he was looking into the bag of food.
The worst part of this whole episode is that I suspect it wasn’t really even his birthday.
Kim Hess
3 weeks ago
Oh my goodness J.L., this really sounds like the date from hell! 6 entrees!
I do believe though that we suffer through these horrible dates to really, REALLY, appreciate the good ones!
Kim Hess
3 weeks ago
Sounds like a great book!
I believe we have to suffer through these horrible, horrible dates (6 entrees!) to truly appreciate when the wonderful dates and guys come along!
Kim Hess Divorce Guru