Stop! Resist the urge to partner too soon!
Let’s face it, most women are very social creatures. We are good at creating long term, mutually reciprocal connections and thrive from this. It’s called the “Tend and Befriend” principle-when we take care of others, it helps us feel better-in our hearts and with our brain chemistry. This is one factor that works against us after we divorce. Many of us (myself included) like secure, predictable relationships that we can count on, and enjoyed the stability and security of married life. Most women (and some men) need some time to breathe, date around and heal after their divorce-like the painful but good for her advice I gave Kim after she was choosing unavailable men. It’s important to learn from our prior marriage(s) and date around to learn about the type of partner that will be a better match for us! We want to magically go back to a fulfilling partnership not only to help make our battered egos feel better (see–someone is really into me–TAKE THAT!!) and validate ourselves (see-someone doesn’t mind that I make more money than him or that I don’t like slasher movies)—but to have the comfort of the KNOWN.
The scariest thing for most of us is the UNKNOWN–this is the true factor that stops people from being successful, taking risks, trying new things and has them jumping into bad and wrong long term relationships too soon after divorce. YES, it’s nerve wracking to have to dress up, be your best, not know how someone feels, be in the dating game, suffer rejection and not knowing, but the rewards are oh so worth it! I have so many clients who paid the price of some discomfort only to gain obtain a HUGE PRIZE of feeling good about themselves with out a relationship (IT CAN BE DONE!) and are now in a great relationship! They had established clear criteria for their needs and wants, and with some great cheerleading, and some tough love, stopped settling for less than supportive partners, got their needs met in other ways, and dared to live in the unknown for a while while keeping their eye on their vision! I have a wall of wedding pictures and miracle babies (one client is having a baby at 49 this year!) of people who held back and held out for someone really special and it paid off!
Ask yourself–am I getting into the wrong relationships because I just want to be partnered because it’s safe and familiar? Am I too afraid of the unknown to wait, date and then relate?? (Sorry, couldn’t resist that corny rhyme!) Did I get into a relationship too early because I thought one in the bush is worth two in the hand? Just like choosing a car, it’s good to test drive a few before making that big commitment! Give yourself permission to enjoy some nice attention, collect some data (I call dating data-ing) and learn about yourself, and shop around before you hand over your heart to anyone again! We could all save ourselves so much pain and agony if we really looked at the red lights and warning signals we were getting when we first started dating instead of rushing forward into a relationship, only to have to break it up painfully after the elephant in the room got too big, or smelly!
I wrote my eBook, “Great News for Dating and Mating” to help women who want to be happily partnered. It’s full of great advice, exercises to help you avoid picking Mr. Wrong and great tips on raising your self-esteem without being in a partnership.
If the UNKNOWN really scares you, write down what you are afraid of. Our FEARS:
Fantasized
Experiences
Appearing
Real
are always are less scary when we bring them into the light. Think strategically about your next steps, play chess instead of checkers, and you will be much happier that you didn’t get succumb to short term needs at the expense of your long term goals!
Damn, that Suzanne Blake is good! (Listen to her interview on Kim Hess Divorce Guru Radio Show where we talk “sexting” and relationship coaching after divorce!)
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February 5th, 2010 → 11:35 AM
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