To isolate or not to isolate…that’s not a question

Posted on February 6th, 2010 at 3:59 pm by Kim Hess

Are you purposely isolating yourself from your community?

On my radio show Divorce Guru, I speak about the tendency to isolate oneself in life after divorce or breakup. This is why I advocate that after your heart has been ripped from your heart, you need to build and nurture community. Heck, even if you haven’t been divorced, everyone isolates themselves because it’s easier and get comfortable, neglecting the community around you. Surprisingly, I got this message from some of my non-divorced peeps.

I have two friend which I respect a great deal. They also happen to be handsome, smart, educated, family oriented, well dressed black men (and before you ask I’m not talking about my adorable sons!) I thought I’d add that, because really, how often do we hear about black men in a good way? These are the kinds of things I like to put my energy towards to increase the awesomeness of black men. I believe I’ve purposely stayed away from dating black men because it was too similar to my ex husband who had these qualities. I would tell my sister I had a date and she would ask “What is he?” Meaning was the date of the day Greek, Italian, hipster white guy, Jewish white guy, Panamanian, Peruvian, Moroccan, Indian…? The list could go on. My point being that I purposely shielded myself from what I was most familiar with. I was isolating myself from dating black men because it was the easy thing at the time to do. Which brings us to what I originally started writing about. Building community after divorce.

So my friends and I have were talking about the need to build community. Friend #1, who is married, was saying how easy it is to isolate yourself in the comfort of spending all of your time with your family. You go to work, you come home, take care of your partner and children and leave no time for others. The second friend, who is a single bachelor, reiterated the routine of focusing on work, going to events, talking to or hanging out with a few close friends and not reaching out to others under the disguise of being “too busy.”

Myself being a divorced and single woman with children can totally relate to what my friends were feeling and expressing. I am always speaking on how “busy” I am: with taking care of children, and my business of taking care of others (you!). But am I really taking care of myself? I isolate my self because it’s safe and comfortable. It’s easier to isolate oneself than to make an effort to go out, make plans, connect with people, and build a community. A community of people to have fun with, to share ideas with, to be there for one another, or to drive you to the airport!

For most of us our communities crumble and sometimes fall apart after divorce because your ex gets some of the friends (or all). You also are not feeling social, or confident enough to interact with others. You are still grieving the loss of your best friend, your lover, perhaps the mother or father of your children.

Your Divorce Guru’s advice: get out there. Call up a friend and ask her to dinner. Ask a co-worker that you’ve been meaning to connect with to have lunch with you. E-mail someone about going on a bike ride, getting your nails done together, or find someone to go with you to that lecture or latest horror movie you don’t want to go to alone.

We are social creatures, and we need to be interact with one another. Trust me, calling one person to make plans with will open up a world of talking, activities, and trust that will enrich your life and those you are interacting with. In the words of the great commercial shoe giant…”Just do it.”