Why does Tiger Woods pay for sex?

I know we haven’t talked in a long time.  Well, we have never talked.  But I thought it was time to step up and have a woman to man talk with you.  I’m Kim Hess your Divorce Guru and it would be nice to keep that cute wife from divorcing you.  But before I try to see if this marriage should be saved or if Elin should divorce your ass, I need some answers.

Tiger, Tiger, Tiger. 16?  Really?  You’ve had 16 mistresses?  The latest word on the street is that the “I had an affair with Tiger Woods” club has grown to up to 16 women in this not so exclusive club.  All I’ve heard about the latest mistress is that “she’s older than Tiger and very attractive.”  Well Tiger, at least I know you don’t discriminate based on age.  Race yes, age, no.  Can’t find any nice Cablinasian women who wanted to test out your swing?  Yes Tiger, I understand that the race of your latest infidelity was not made public…but c’mon we know if the latest woman would’ve been black, Asian, Native American, Latina, ANYTHING, but white with long hair, we would’ve heard about it.  Heck, maybe your PR people should ask some random girl of color to come forth and say she slept with you to gain a little sympathy (I am available at the right price…plus I’m curious to see if all the hype is true.  Call me.)  Everyone who’s bashing you could say, “Well at least he doesn’t discriminate.”  But, alas, my dear Cablinasian, we can’t say that.

I’m sure the count will keep going up.  In fact I would bet a million bucks on it (or all of your endorsements!).  What is shocking to me, the rest of the world, and probably your pissed off wife  is:  “Why are you paying for sex?”

 And 15 grand?  I mean, I see that the hooker, I mean “escort” is beautiful, and has a great bod.  A Hollywood madam revealed that you, one Mr. Tiger Woods, have paid $15,000 for a “date” with Loredana Jolie, #15.  She also said you’d sometimes hire two hookers…I mean “escorts” at a time.

I understand you have the money to pay thousands and thousands of dollars (enough to feed, what a few million starving children?) to beautiful women to…ahem…make you feel good.  I get it.  Can I tell you a secret Tiger?  Come closer.  Closer.  You are rich and famous and not repulsive…you can get it for free!

Free!  You know that already though right?  I’m sure about 1/2 of those mistresses you’ve tallied up haven’t given you a bill at the end of your frolicking sessions.  I was talking to Mike the Master Dater about this, ya know, so I could have a man’s perspective on your shenanigans.  I’m sure he’ll supply some reasons that I can not just fathom…ya know being a woman and all.  I’ll be sure to post his blog here or you can persuse over to his website…he’ll also be able to help you out with all those texts you’ve been sending.

So you’re paying tons of money to hookers…(yeah, Tiger they’re hookers not escorts) your wife Elin  is at home, probably NOT  having “crazy sex” with the pool boy, gardner, or the milk man.  She’s also taking care of YOUR babies. YOU are not only having tons of sex with random women who work in pancake houses, nightclubs, and porn movies, now the world finds out you’re paying for it! 

Classy, real classy, Tiger. Though you and wifey have kind of agreed to stay together (her for the millions she’ll get, you for image) I think you’d better stop paying for sex.

Oh, and give your wife my card!

Until the 17th mistress,

KHDG