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Divorce and children

www.kimhess.com

Divorce is harder on the kids

I know I usually write about fun, and sex (or lack of!) online dating, and sometimes how much my ex gets on my nerves. Well, I haven’t written about my ex getting on my nerves lately because he isn’t. And when he was, it usually had to do with issues that had to deal more with me, not him. So ex-husband if you’re reading this (and I know you are!) we’re cool. What I’ve been thinking about today is divorce and children.

I have two sons, both under 10 years old. They are my babies. I don’t know if I’m technically allowed to call them “babies” in this post because we’ve made a deal. Yes, my 7 year old and 9 and 1/2 year old sat down with their mommy (who is a Divorce Guru) to negotiate with me when and where I could call them “babies.” The terms are as follows: in private, at home but not in public and definitely not at school or around their friends. Since my blog isn’t at school or around their friends I should be okay right? I mean this is technically public but they’re not around so…

Back to the topic at hand. Children and divorce. I worry constantly about how my children are dealing with the divorce of their two favorite people in the world besides Spongebob Squarepants. I know how gut wrenching and hard it was for me to be torn apart from the man I thought I would be with until death did us part. I then try to imagine what my babies go through on a weekly basis. We have 50/50 custody so they are either with me or with their dad. Never together. No more family trips, no more nightly dinners, no more ice cream together at the beach all together, no more flying home to Ohio to see our families. Now everything is divided between mom and dad.

As a parent I deal with my children and my divorce in the same way. Love and forgiveness. I love my children (babies) and let them know that mommy and daddy’s divorce had nothing to do with them. It was us adults that broke up, and they will FOREVER have mommy and daddy’s love.

The forgiveness part comes in for me and their dad. I forgive us as a couple for not being able to make it work. I offer myself lots of forgiveness for not being a perfect mother. I offer myself forgiveness when I think that my kids are suffering because of the divorce. I remind myself to forgive myself that my children have to deal with divorce. But most of all, I offer myself forgiveness for not being perfect. I highly recommend you do the same. It may even put a smile on your face which will turn into happiness which will turn into peace your babies will share with you. Namaste.

please remember our fellow brothers and sisters in Haiti during this tragic time by helping. you can donate to the Red Cross and/or Doctors Without Borders. Thanks you to MomsRising.org for their compassionate activism.


There but for the grace of God go I…

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Categories: Coping With Divorce

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About the Author:

Kim is the co-author of "From Ex to Next! An Empowered Woman's Guide to Dating After Breakup or Divorce." She is also the host of "Divorce Guru" radio show host, as well as the National Divorce columnist for the Examiner.com Kim lives in San Francisco, CA and is the proud mother of two very energetic, very wonderful boys.

Discussion

  1. Health Facts  February 15, 2012

    Hi there just wanted to give you a quick heads up. The words in your article seem to be running off the screen in Opera. I’m not sure if this is a formatting issue or something to do with browser compatibility but I thought I’d post to let you know. The style and design look great though! Hope you get the problem fixed soon. Thanks

  2. Mens Health Diet  February 14, 2012

    Excellent information over again! Thanks a lot;)

  3. Buy oem Software  February 10, 2012

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  5. Paul H  February 15, 2010

    Awesome!!

  6. Kim Hess  February 14, 2010

    Will gladly review it Paul!

    Kim Hess Divorce Guru

  7. Paul H  February 12, 2010

    Thanks for the kind words Kim. What I wrote was a small extract from a book I’m writing on the subject of Dads and divorce. I’d love you to review it when I’m finished.

  8. Kim Hess  February 6, 2010

    Ah, now I gotcha Paul H! It would be fantastic to have all men playing an active part in their children’s lives! Good, good point, and thanks for being an advocate for dads and their kids. We need more dads like you!

  9. Paul H  February 5, 2010

    I knew you’d disagree with that, Kim ;-)

    I also agree with you that children DO need the man in their life to discipline them correctly, my perspective is about a dad BEING in their life in the first place. In many cases it’s a matter of developing the tools required to move TO that point.

    Love your work x

  10. Kim Hess  February 3, 2010

    Thanks for your comment Paul H. Dad’s do need to realize that just because you and your ex-spouse are divorced doesn’t mean you give up your kids. Though, I do have to disagree w/ Paul H. on his view of discipline…your children DO need the man in their life to discipline them correctly and with love…this is another way of showing you care about their well being!

    Kudos to the father of my boys for being and excellent father who, despite divorcing me, has not divorced his children. And that’s the only compliment he gets from me today! Kim Hess Divorce Guru has mad love for divorced dads who take care of their kids!!

  11. Paul H  January 29, 2010

    Response from a Dad and a message to other Dads!

    You are divorcing your ex, not your kids. Understand that and tell yourself over and over!
    Now is the opportunity to really revere the time with your kids. Many dads in their marriage are so busy working to provide for their family, they don’t have the quality time with their kids that they would like or should have.
    As a divorced dad, there are some real bonuses here when you spend time with your kids. Depending on the amount of time you get to spend with your kids, often the father has significantly less than half time. If this is the case for you, be the fun parent! You don’t need to take on the role of disciplinarian with the kids, just enjoy every moment you can with them and make it fun. Think what you would like your ideal dad to be and be that with your kids! Quality time takes on a whole new perspective when you only see your kids occasionally, so make the most of it!
    Will they be all revved up when they go back to their mother? Possibly. Will your ex whine and complain that you are not disciplining them enough? Probably. Will the kids have a great time when they come to see you? Absolutely!
    Now keep this in perspective! It is not a free for all to make your kids total psychos when they go back to the other parent, because that is not helpful for the welfare of the kids. What I’m talking about here is having FUN!! Do things with your kids and squeeze every bit of quality into the time you have with them.

  12. Divorce to Happiness  January 22, 2010

    I too am a mother. My Ex and I also share the children 50-50. I will tell you that I too have tried very hard to imagine what goes through the child’s minds and hearts every Friday when they change households. My children are 15 13 and 9. And we have lived this way for 3 years. I know my children need their father. We each have now moved on and are in new relationships. I know that in the beginning we tried to have one family meal together a week. But it soon became apparent that it was giving the children false hope, to their parent getting back together. So we stopped.

    So as loving parents who truly want the best for their children, we will try just about anything and everything to give the some happiness, in a time in their lives that everything in their world is changing.

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