Did he leave you for a younger woman?
I went to a cocktail party last night (thanks B.G.!) which was thrown by a political consulting firm. Everyone at the party had something to do with politics, school boards, lawyers, lobbyists, etc. Everyone but me. Know how you go to a party and everyone asks how you know the host? Me, I didn’t know the host and said I was invited by a friend. So the next question of course is “So what do you do?” Do I tell them I’m a radio host and writer? Yeah, sometimes. And sometimes I just cut to the chase and tell them I’m a Divorce Guru. You should see the look of bewilderment in people’s eyes.
Anyway, I usually get to talking about divorce, and dating, and finding love and the person I talk to usually asks what happened. (As they should, because I bet they’re thinking “Who would let this spectacular, beautiful, brilliant woman get away?!) Sometimes I tell them the typical “We grew apart”, sometimes I tell them “he cheated on me and after trying to make it work after 2 years I bailed.” This answer usually depends on how many fruity girly drinks I have in my system! The next question? You got it? “Was it a younger woman?”
Hmm, I have to think about that. The woman my ex was with was a “younger woman.” I think maybe two or three years younger. I think this may disappoint people because it takes the scandal out of it. She’s The next question is usually “How old is your ex husband?” I tell them he’s my age. I’m 35. His new girlfriend is 33-34. Not much of an age difference. I think it would be more exciting if my ex was 60, I was 40, and his new love was a 21 year old bimbo. I believe there is a sense of outrage if my husband would have cheated on me for a younger, fitter, more beautiful and sexy twinkie. Not so outrageous if the other woman is the same age, no more fitter, no more beautiful and no more sexier than the “jilted” wife.
Maybe it scares people that sometimes there is no good reason why their husband or wife may have sex with someone else, fall in love with someone, or even just develop emotions for someone else. Sometimes the mistress isn’t a younger woman, or more beautiful, or thinner or whatever. I myself had no rationale why my ex started seeing his now girlfriend. I think I’m cool, beautiful, fun, smart, yada, yada, yada. But no one can be someone else’s 100%. I wasn’t my ex’s 100%. He wasn’t mine either. But a younger woman isn’t going to be a man’s 100%.
Why do we fall in love (lust!) with someone? Is it just because they are younger? Not always. My philosophy: it is what it is. I can be happy with my life or be bitter about it. If your husband left you for a younger woman (or older woman, or younger man!) roll with it. It’s may not be about you, it’s probably about him…which is no longer your concern!
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I love it, Kim. Because I often lament something similar: The question “So is she hot?” (referring to the “other woman,” of course). What does it matter if she is? Does it make it better? Easier? I consider myself kinda hot (in a divorced-36-year-old-single-mom-kinda-way …), but this question always makes me cringe. I know people are looking for answers to the “why” question, but really? Do I, a recently divorced woman, really need to feel he was justified if she was, indeed, hot????
Truth be told, the “other woman” in my situation is not hot. Nor is she younger (well, not much…). So people leave a conversation with me with no resolution at all…except perhaps confirmation for the brain tumor I suspect my ex has!
Mikalee what a great observation! You are so right about do you as a recently divorced woman need the justification of the other woman being hot!
I also think we’re living parallel lives! i too think I’m hot in a divorced 36 in 4 months single mom kinda way, the “other woman’ is not hot, and i think my ex may also have a brain tumor (that would explain a lot!!)
Parallel lives indeed! 1. I used to be in radio — though I was a top-40 dj; 2. I also have always refered to myself as the Jennifer Anniston to the ex’s new wife’s Angelina; 3. I have two children (10 and 7) with 50/50 joint custody; 4. I also had the “perfect” marriage (until the realization that he was in love with someone else. Oops. Maybe not so perfect); 5. I too delved into the world of online dating — and wrote a magazine article for a local regional lifestyle pub about the good, bad and ugly of it all (the “ugly” includes a man who admitted a fettish for women who “go green” … which turned out to not mean becoming eco-friendly, but rather that he wanted to paint me green like the alien in the new Star Trek movie. And btw, my favorite screen name — in response to your “blackmeatbythepound” — was “suckit4u2.” Nice…); 6. I too am a writer who is starting a blog about divorce — and future author — and that’s how I came across your website!
So, Kim, I believe you are my bizarro. Or my sister from another mother. Or something is connecting our karmas in a very strange way. Regardless, I’m glad to meet you!
The fact that anyone would ask this question shows just how misguided they are. Men don’t really cheat to find someone younger or hotter, they cheat to make themselves feel better. This could be in the form of a younger women, but it could also just be a woman who really knows how to feed his ego (gag). Anyway, getting rid of that insecurity needs to come from within, not from someone else, which is probably why these men keep cheating.
Amen to that Tina T! You hit the nail on the head! I admit, my ex found someone to feed his ego, and make him feel better about himself. And thank God she did, or that would still be my “job” today! I like my new job better..helping myself and others know get rid of insecurity and LOVE the life that they lead. Awesome insights Tina T, thanks!
This can be one of the most powerful intelligences I ever encountered in a long time, I’m talking about this component of your article “… divorced woman need the justification of the other woman being hot! I also think we’re living …” this is it, you just smashed it down buddy.