I believe we have to suffer through these horrible, horrible dates (6 entrees!) to truly appreciate when the wonderful dates and guys come along!

Kim Hess Divorce Guru

I do believe though that we suffer through these horrible dates to really, REALLY, appreciate the good ones!

~ Online Dating for “Old Enough to Know Better” Dummies ~

When suddenly single, I did what any other 50-year old woman would do…dip my toes in the online dating pool.

While searching one day, I came across an extremely handsome man, far too good looking to be interested in me; so I clicked off his profile. (Being an amateur, I didn’t realize that a person knows who “views” them.) Mr. Gorgeous emailed me and we began talking daily. He said his birthday was the following weekend and I had good vibes, so I offered to buy him dinner.

Saturday night I excitedly got dressed and drove to his place. He wasn’t home yet, so I waited anxiously in my car. Finally, I saw a car drive up and park in the garage. “That can’t be him” I thought; from the way he described his high-profile career, he must be driving something a little newer. But suddenly there was a face in my window and he was telling me to put my window down. (In hindsight, that moment was my biggest mistake; I should have started my car and put the gas pedal through the floor.)

“I can’t get over it; you look just like your beautiful pictures”, he said. “I can’t get over it either, how you don’t look one iota like your pictures. (Eventually I found out that they were taken 15 years ago.)

He asks if he can drive my car because he’s been thinking of getting one like it. Oh, so you’re finally gonna take that giant leap and trade in your 1978 Pontiac Fiero for a new Lexus? Whatever; I just wanna go home!!! He asks where the key is and I tell him that it’s in my purse; my car has a push-button starter”. He is equally amazed at this and the navigation system. (Get out much?) I cannot control the urge to roll my eyes…and I don’t care if he saw it.

Now comes the most embarrassing moment; he emerges from the car and says to the valet: ”Hey, man, my car has a push-button starter; are you sure you know how to operate it?” I stifle my urge to scream: “He’s a valet–in Los Angeles–he sees these every freakin’ day!” The valet smirked, but I couldn’t raise my eyes to meet his; the humiliation was too great. And by the way, ”your” car????

Horrified by what I had just heard, I walked numbly into the restaurant, comforted by the fact that it’s a Chinese restaurant; this should be fast and inexpensive. Once inside, the waiter seats us and asks what we’d like to drink. “Anything!” I shriek. Both he and the waiter turn to look at me questioningly. He, of course, ordered champagne because it was my “treat”. Okay, maybe this night isn’t going to be relatively inexpensive…or relatively fun …or relatively ANYTHING!!!

As I stare blankly at the menu, I realize that I can’t do this. My eyes scan the room for the back door to make my escape. I excuse myself to “go to the ladies room” and I am stopped in my tracks in horror at the memory of whose car the valet thinks that is; he’s never going to risk his job! My shoulders drop and I shuffle dejectedly towards the ladies’ room.

I got it…the old “emergency” call!!! I excitedly throw open the door of the ladies room and wade through the water on the floor before placing 7 or 8 seat protectors down and take a seat to begin calling everyone I know to find someone who can call me back with an “emergency”.
As I dial the first (of many) numbers, I’m smiling wickedly while rehearsing my lines. I called everyone I could think of, but I was foiled again; it’s Saturday night and no one answers. My smile is quickly, brutally turned upside down.

When I return, my “date” has just finished ordering and he turns to me and says “what would you like, Baby?” Baby? After an eternity, the waiter brings the food…then more food…and even more food. I look at the waiter questioningly; he feels my pain and just shrugs and walks away.
I counted 6 entrees; I was so upset I could barely eat. When finished, he asked the waiter to wrap up the leftovers to go, even taking mine. I think I saw a look of pity in the waiter’s eye when he handed me the check; he didn’t even offer it to my “date”, because he knew who was paying for that dinner-in more ways than one!!

I was livid as I watched him load the huge bag into the back seat, wishing it would slip from his slimy hands and wind up as one big Chinese mess on the concrete. The valet had a look of pity in his eyes too when he offered the keys to him. “No…that’s okay…I’ll drive my car back” I said, quickly removing the keys from his outstretched hand.
The drive took forever, but finally there, I waited (against my better judgment) for him to retrieve his food and as soon as he closed the door, I pushed the gas pedal to the floor, leaving him standing on the sidewalk. When I looked back, he wasn’t even looking at me; he was looking into the bag of food.

The worst part of this whole episode is that I suspect it wasn’t really even his birthday.

Hey, u did not tell us what happened to that coward who left you. There must be a few more guys like that in the world, waiting for a funny like you. Do not loose heart.

Anyway, entertaining blog!
- abscondo

-The Mom

-The Mom