Kim Hess Divorce Guru's Quest for Love part 2!
The first thing my relationship coach Suzanne Blake asked me was:
What type of men have you been attracting? My theory of the dating is that of the Law of Attraction. We attract at the level we are at. Women and men can learn a lot about their subconscious feeling and thoughts about love and relationship by examining their attraction patterns and course correcting accordingly.
I sheepishly revealed my love for Married Guy. I wanted to be honest with my relationship coach, so I could have a good relationship. I knew my relationship with Married Guy was not good. I straight out asked her if my loving and wanting to be with Married Guy was bad. Suzanne responded that in relationships we can not ask if it is “wrong” but if it is the best practice. Me and married guy was definitely not a “best practice” for moi.
We are all human and we never want to judge ourselves for the relationships we are in. However, we do want to look at whether they serve our long term goals or not. And.. anytime we are in a relationship with someone who is not truly available—DRUM ROLL as here is the hard, naked truth…. it usually means we are not truly available either! OUCH–this hurts to know but it can save us so much hurt in the end. Yes, we are “supposed” to have a relationship, and we want relationships, but if we try to have a meaningful one when we just need to have fun and collect what I call “dating data” about being with romantic partners, we are playing at two different levels. (I encouraged Kim to look back on the relationships she has had since her divorce with my handy dandy relationship pattern tool -available to you all with my coaching packages!) and VOILA!! Up bubbled the type of men she is attracted to, the type that she might want to try to “go for” and the type she should RUN far into the San Francisco hills from!
Her suggestions after hearing all of the drama that has compromised my 2 years of searching for a wonderful relationship…that I didn’t really WANT a relationship! My response, “…but of course I do Suzanne”, I pleaded, ” this is why I have you as a relationship coach!” Like a wise and benevolent queen giving comfort to her followers, Suzanne gently told me, “No, no you don’t. You have barriers to being truly open. Hence, why you’re dating a married guy who lives on the other side of the country, duh!”
Okay, she didn’t say duh, but she did help me to realize the fact that, darn tootin’, I don’t want a relationship. At least not right now. Suzanne (in an hour!) had me realize that relationships=loss of freedom, just like my married relationship had been. And then Suzanne gave me the best advice of all:
“Kim, you need to just practice recreational dating.”
Those of us who have been married are used to the bonded, committed relationship we had before. However, we dated a lot before we found the type of meaningful relationship that had us thinking about getting married. After a divorce, most of us need to heal and feel attractive to potential partners again. However, this can be done for fun and we don’t need to squeeze a fun, casual relationship into the tight stretch pants of one that might lead to commitment. Most of us simply aren’t ready, but we see everyone else in “real” relationships, and that is what we know, or think we are allowed to have, so we go for it. It’s a huge relief to look at dating as bolstering our bruised egos, learning more about the type of future romantic partners we want, and most importantly–letting the relationship go where it wants to go. NOW, do I mean getting carried away and doing anything? NO–but unfortunately, Kim is text book in some way. We tend to want to have a partner in our lives, so we again try to squeeze the casual relationship into a meaningful one, and push our partner to come to family events, commit to a Saturday night, go shopping with us, help us around the house etc.. when it may be too early for these “couple” activities. If we allow the relationship to unfold naturally, and take the temperature of the relationship to see if it’s “time” to move it to the next level, then we don’t end up scaring people off and getting hurt.
What? This is allowed? Aren’t all women supposed to want to date one guy and one guy only? I know men are allowed to date for fun, but us girls are allowed to do that too? Whaddya know, Suzanne has catapulted your Divorce Guru into the 21st century!
AND it was SOOOOOOOO my pleasure Kim!!
*stay tuned for KHDG’s next exciting coaching session to help her pathetic love life…part 3!
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I think that it’s a total double standard that we (society) view casual dating as great for men but questionable for women. I’m actually writing a post about women dating exclusively too soon into a relationship. Go have fun with dating Kim, you deserve it!
Thanks Tina, I agree with you. As Kim wrote about, we all get lonely and it’s tempting to want to get through the dating process and just have one person to connect with. However, for divorced people it’s important to collect a lot of information by going on mulitple dates–this information is vital to making the most informed choice for your next partner. Most divorced people need time to heal from the intensity of their break-up. Although it’s tempting to get connected to one person, I recommend dating as a way of remembering the fun of being romantic, enjoying a pleasurable connection, and being mindful of what really works for you! It’s like chess, standing back and creating some long term strategies helps you get that king or queen!
Kim, love to hear how it’s going for you!!