This is you in Vegas...no panties...after a breakup
Everyone has dealt with breakup or divorce. Everyone. Unless you’re some socially awkward person who never leaves from the dark, dank comfort of their parent’s basement. Oh, how I wish I could be this weirdo who’s bed is beside the water heater, and plays video games on the orange plaid 70′s couch all day and night long…they’ve never had to deal with what to do after a breakup.
I’m sure you’re reading this post to find out what you should do with yourself after a breakup. I could give you the typical answers that most of the safe and sane relationship experts dole out. But since this is MY blog, and I’ve made a pact with myself to be neither safe or sane I’m going to give you my 5 things to do after a divorce or breakup: Kim Hess style!
Safe and Sane #1:
Take some time off. Safe and sane will tell you to go away on a vacation or a few nights in a hotel to get some distance between you and your ex. This will give you clarity about the situation better enabling you to assess your next move.
Kim Hess Style #1:
Go to Vegas. I’ve never been, but it sounds like pure, awesome paradise after a breakup! Get yourself on the first flight out, with no luggage or plans. Check into the most expensive hotel suite, preferably a penthouse and with a 6 person hotub. If you can, charge it to your exes credit card (the one that doesn’t give him miles!) Proceed to the gift shop where you buy the most slutty, garish, dresses and heels…no need to buy any panties. Proceed to the casino where you bet everything on black. Next hit up a strip club where you’re sure to find some desperate guy who you can take home with you to enjoy the hot tub. And remember what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas. Except herpes, that sh*t will come back with you.
Safe and Sane #2
Pros and Cons list: list the advantages and disadvantages of your former relationship. Reflect calmly.
Kim Hess Style #2
Cons list…with Voodoo doll: list the disadvantages of your ex such as ugly toes, that little baby tooth still in his mouth, and the fact that he’s probably gay. Accessorize with a lovely voodoo doll in his likeness and proceed to stick pins ONLY in the eyes and the buttocks region. If this doesn’t make you feel better after a breakup I don’t know what will!
Safe and Sane #3
Pamper yourself: indulge in a decadent scoop of ice cream, buy a good bottle of wine. Put your feet up and enjoy.
Kim Hess Style #3:
Pamper yourself: get a massage with an aromatherapy treatment then proceed to your ex’s car and bash all the windows out with a sturdy, yet swingable baseball bat. Go home, put your feet up and enjoy.
Safe and Sane #4
Change up your routine: You always stayed in and ate Thai food and a movie on Friday nights. Try going out with friends on Friday nights or taking an invigorating exercise or dance class on that night instead.
Kim Hess Style #4
Change up your routine. You always stayed in and ate Thai food with the tall white guy who was your ex? Stay in with a short Latin guy who is skilled in the art of tantra and sensual pleasures on Friday nights. And somehow let your ex become aware of it by…oh, I don’t know, sending him a copy of the sex tape you two made last Friday after the Thai food?! The perfect after a breakup gift that everyone will enjoy!
Safe and Sane #5
Seek out help: Therapy.
Kim Hess Style #5
Seek out help: Therapy. And then after your therapy session go out for shots of tequila. Or better yet, find a super cool therapist that will conduct your session while you do shots of tequila. What could help you after a breakup better than the combination of therapy and tequila?
Let me know some of your best remedies for after a breakup…both safe and sane and especially those of the “Kim Hess Style” variety!
Ladies
!!!!
- Just out of a relationship?
- Do you suck at dating?
- Want a man in your life other than your cat!?
- Want someone some awesome help getting back into the game?
- Want to be great at dating and meet a wonderful man?
Check out my newest book written by yours truly! Only $4.99 for the Amazon kindle. Get it before I up the price!
“From Ex to Next! An Empowered Woman’s Guide to Dating after Breakup or Divorce.”
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Better yet, just assume your marriage is gonna end iin divorce from the very beginning. Enjoy it while it lasts and prepare yourself financially.
http://www.gobankingrates.com/divorce-happens-be-prepared/
I always recommend Vegas to my friends who are recently divorced! There is no better way to get your mind off of someone (what WAS his name anyway?). And as usual you had some new and fresh ideas as well. Loved it!
For men your best bet is to play the wounded-fawn routine and score with some ‘strange.’ This also provides a convenient excuse for not committing- you’re just not ready to move on yet.
Kind of sounds shitty when you type it out like that.
Hmm.
Nah, I’m okay with it.
PS “fawn” was not the correct term there, huh? Whoops.
What the heck are you talking about? Didn’t see the word “fawn” in this post but maybe I missed it. But who cares, this was such a funny and fabulous posts and all you can do is find (nonexistant) mistakes. Dude, you need to get a sense of humour…and a life! Oh, and thanks for reading Caleb!
Laura,
pretty pessimistic but I can’t say I don’t agree with ya!
SQ9IVW Thanks:) Cool topic, write more often! You manage with it perfctly:DD