First Date After Divorce: Do’s, don’ts & “don’t sleep w/ him girl!”

First date after divorce...if he orders a drink like this run, girl, run!

Ahh, the first date after divorce. What a magical, wonderful time in your life. The stars will be shining, you won’t be bloated from your period, you hair will be shiny and you won’t have to hold your stomach in. This is the magic of the first date after it has been decided that you are now single again.

In my dreams! To be honest, I was kind of nervous (I know Kim Hess nervous?) and kind of excited. To be perfectly honest with you, I wasn’t quite divorced yet. No, I wasn’t committing adultery, the divorce just wasn’t final. I was 6 months into being almost officially single, was living on my own, cooking meals for one when my kids were with their dad, and had been sexless for what seemed more like 6 years. I felt it was time to date. Actually, I just wanted the attention of a man who was in possession of all of his teeth and didn’t live in a cardboard box (old toothless homeless guys love me.)

So who was the victim of Kim’s first date after divorce? If you’re a regular reader of my blog or listener of my radio show, then you’ve heard of my fabulous French Lover. A geeky 39 yr old divorcee with a hot accent and blue eyes. I’m sure he’s totally reading this (hi!) so I won’t give too many details. But let’s just say it was a great date. Even though he was 30 minutes late and i could only understand 1/3 of what he was saying to me! We ended up dating for 3 months until he dumped me. I’m assuming it was because I intimidated him or just became waayy to needy (I’m sure we all know the real answer!)

So ladies, now that you’ve heard about my first date after divorce, let’s go over some Do’s and Don’ts of dating after divorce. Trust me when I tell you I am guilty of almost all the don’ts…aren’t you glad I made a fool out of myself so you don’t have to?! Okay, here goes:

Do:

Look nice!

Wear some hot jeans or a skirt. Wear heels. Wear lip gloss. Don’t wear the mom jeans you take your kid to soccer practice in or wear a shirt that hides the boobies. Men love the boobies (I think it takes them back to a more carefree and pleasant time in their life…when they were breastfed!)

Ask him questions about himself!

Men love to talk about themselves. Heck, everyone loves to talk about themselves. Ask about his hobbies, his favorite sports teams, his bowling league, whatever.

Flirt!

Touch his hand, gently caress his bicep…men totally DIG this! Like I said in this great advice, no man is going to object to you touching him. Just keep it soft and ABOVE the belt.

Don’t:

Talk about your ex!

You don’t even want to hear about your ex, why would he? If he asks just say you’d rather not talk about it, it just didn’t work out or “another time okay?” I gotta tell ya ladies, every time I have broken my own advice on this I come off as a bitter, angry bitch. Yuck.

Tell him about your Pap Smear last Tuesday!

Do I really have to explain this one? Leave some mystery. Be coy. Leave him wanting more. (That is more about you and your charms, not more about your Pap Smear!

Sleep with him!

If you sleep with the guy on your first date after divorce you will so fall head over heels in love lust with him that you will date for 3 months and end up telling people he broke up with you because he was either intimidated by you or you were too needy. Girlfriend, trust me!