Kim Hess Divorce Guru

Divorce, Women, and Success Series: Julie Stokes

Kim Hess — Mon, 08 Mar 2010 21:22:45 +0000

This post is a part of Divorce Guru’s “Divorce, Women, and Success” series. For the next few months I will profile women who have achieved the bulk of their success after divorce to provide you with hope,motivation and inspiration that you too can succeed in life after divorce!

Yours in success!
- Divorce Guru

“God, who foresaw your tribulation, has specially armed you to go through it, not without pain but without stain.”
C.S. Lewis

Get STRENGTH after divorce

Looking back, I thought I had it all. A husband, two wonderful boys from that union and a ranch style home in Southern California. For 24 years my life was my family. Our dream home had leaded glass windows that sparkled brightly with the sun shining through, gorgeous landscaping with plush gardens and queen palm trees.
We had private airplanes to whisk us off for weekends in Las Vegas and we golfed at different places all over. The world really was our oyster and then it all came to a crashing end with the realization that my husband had been unfaithful to me, I found the missing piece of the puzzle that I had been seaching for a long time.
Being a stay-at-home mom, a ‘domestic engineer’ was extremely rewarding and I truly thought my husband valued my contributions, but in the end I learned he used it as a weapon against me.
I tried to talk about our problems, but his coldness and deafening silence shot a bullet through my heart. When he shut me out of his life and spent nights away from home working, I begged him for help, but as I heard from friends he accused me of being “a nag.” Exhausted by the lack of compromise and broken promises, I withdrew and my self-confidence and sense of worth took a massive beating. His cruelty in withholding physical affection from me was the most shattering blow.
In his need to control and punish, he began to tighten the financial belt and this made me extremely insecure about mine and my sons’ future. He often displayed such a mental strength and intimidation that I feared him in some way. I stopped believing in my inner voice, that was telling me this is not right. I lost faith in myself.
My saving grace was my continuing to work out. I had always been a believer in exercise and good nutrition. I had been circuit and weight training for years and even
competed in amateur bodybuilding and won the title of ABA Miss California in 1997. I was physically strong, but emotionally weakened by the disintegration of my marriage.Divorce was just not in my vocabulary and I always wanted to believe our marriage could be saved.
I let up on my healthy eating habits during this low point, but my weight was still under control because I pushed myself to go to the gym and that’s where I found my solution to what seemed an impossible situation.
It was at the gym where a simple song would help me out of the deep well of depression and defeat and place me on a different path. One day as I was working out, I heard a song playing that caught my attention. The lyrics were “Get Up.” It appealed to my artistic side as I had always dabbled in graphics, so I started creating some designs with that theme on some t-shirts that afternoon. Later on that day, I went with a friend to a Bible study. The lesson was about getting up and stop being a victim! The scripture read was John 5:8–”Jesus saith unto him, Rise, take up they bed, and walk.”
The hair on my arms stood up. I knew God was talking directly to me and immediately my thinking and emotions made a shift. At 42, I made a decision to change. I divorced my husband in 2005. I learned by body and my mind had to have a connection with my soul. The strength within me was there all the time. I know now, that inner voice will never deceive me.
My experience inspired me to pass on what had been given to me to others. I took my love for fitness and turned it into a career and I call it StrengthInUs. Through my video series on my website www.strengthinus.com I demonstrate and create awareness about the benefits of exercising and good nutrition.
Whether my clients work out with me in person at my gym in Glendora or visit me on the web, the message is the same: We all have the ’strength in us’ to accomplish whatever we want to do. by increasing workouts and improving our diets, we are on the road to better health. My parents who are in their 70’s are work out partners with me!
Exercising on a regular basis has allowed me to be physically strong and at 50, I forgive myself if I occasionally miss a day of exercise. For me, variety to my workouts adds excitement and challenge to make it more interesting, but the key is to get up and start moving.
If you think you are too old or it’s been too long since you exercised, here are five tips to help you get started:

1. Work on a gradient start out slow and then increase, add a little bit more each time.
2. Define on paper your passion and visualize yourself doing it.
3. Write out decisions you have been avoiding making
4. Establish behaviors you want to change and list them.
5. Say it out loud it makes you more accountable. Practice listening to yourself. Write down goals, no matter how small.

Work on these lists each day, adding more to them as you go along without judging or self-slandering. You will find as you do this, you will hear your solutions, so pay attention!
By taking one step at a time and then one day at a time, you will feel both physically and emotionally stronger. Remember, on days that you are feeling good that an extra step forward towards your fitness goals and the rewards will be wonderful.
I’m Julie Stokes and together we have the strength in us to anything!

Kim Hess Does Not Equal Divorce Guru

Kim Hess — Sat, 06 Mar 2010 04:31:46 +0000

Freedom...we all can get there

Hello All!

I sincerely apologize for my lack of posts these last few weeks. As all of you know I started this site to share my experience with divorce as well as help others heal, live in joy, and turn the challenging times and feelings of divorce into triumphs.

Which is exactly what I’ve done.

I’ve built a career and had a great deal of fun doing what I do: being your Divorce Guru. I do this by writing a national column, hosting a radio show that is heard in over 60 countries, doling out relationship advice via video blogs, and of course sharing my sometimes fun, most times excruciatingly painful dating stories with you.

After speaking with dear, dear friends and family that love me more than I can express, I’ve come to a realization. Kim Hess does not equal Divorce Guru.

I started the Divorce Guru brand to heal me. My healing is not complete, may never completely be 100%, but I have progressed. It’s been 2 years plus since the father of my children and I split up for good. If you’re divorced or going through a divorce I don’t have to explain to you the pain I went through.

That pain is done, over. My marriage is done, over. It is time for Kim Hess to move on, to move forward, to move up from walking with the label of divorce. No matter how hard I’ve tried to change the stigma, divorce is just that…a stigma that no one wants to be associated with. Divorce is the opposite of happiness, joy, fun.

Kim Hess has been hiding behind Divorce Guru. Now it’s time for me to come out from behind the clouds of being “divorced” and shine.

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.” -Marianne Williamson

This being said, Kim Hess is taking a hiatus from Divorce Guru to plot her next moves in this life. Maybe I’ll keep Divorce Guru as a company minus the Kim Hess, and continue on my quest to help people who are divorced or broken up. Maybe I’ll move to Paris and become a writer. Maybe I’ll move to a beach house and take up surfing. Either way I’ll be happy. ‘Cause I am now…and I’m still glad I got a dee-vorce (as my one friend says it!)

Love to all…
Divorce Guru

A Note To Share And Maybe You Can Relate

Kim Hess — Fri, 26 Feb 2010 02:13:42 +0000

Today’s post is written by a friend of mine, Rie Kang, who sent out this diary/blog entry to her friends in the hopes that other would benefit. I received it, benefited and related. Hope you can relate as well…
-DG

A note to share and maybe you can relate..

by Rie Kang

Accept peace, joy, and love into your life

How do people deal with anger, insecurities and power?

Do they voice what they feel or do they project their emotions by hiding them inward, holding their power in silence, or do they turn their words into an attack?

Or do they slide back and hide, hibernate or fall away? Now that I’m in my thirties, I’m just starting to learn about my power and my negotiating skills in a way, that serves me better. In the past, I would adhere or oblige the men of status or people in my life, according to their needs, not mine. And often, I felt under served, taken for granted or disregarded, yet I didn’t feel powerful enough to speak out or improve my situation. My negotiating skills were poor. But then, that was due to my own sense of lack. That I was at a disadvantage, somehow. And in some ways, I was. I put myself there. And just like that, I have learned to put myself elsewhere. In a more safer, loving and nurturing place where I call the shots. But no less fair, to another. I’m not a power hungry hog, nor am I unappreciative of another’s gesture or good will. But when it comes to the balance, in a relationship…I am more apt to do what is best for me, instead of sacrificing my own sense of comfort and dignity.

While I seem to have less patience for the shenanigans and promises that fall empty…say what you do and do what you say idea, I walk a fine line and also remember that somewhere within me lies compassion and understanding. So, it is this constant re-balancing act. Faith, hope, intelligence and love. And, adaptability to change. The key ingredients to get you by, in life. And my family and teachers taught me that a long time ago. But I feel like I’m just remembering again. Do unto others, as you would have them do unto you. Do you feel as though you deserve respect and honor? Do you want affection and love? Do you want someone to be open to your perceptions? Do you want to be understood? Do you want to be criticized or judged, or do you want it less so? Do you want loyalty, movement, growth, or do you want to have to wait forever, for receptivity? It’s all how you perceive your world and what you expect from it. What you believe, and what you follow through with, in order to get something in return. You can’t just take and not give. I’m reminding myself, that even though I’m not completely consistent, I try to be honest with myself first. With not just my thoughts but my emotions, even for a microsecond. And instead of pointing the finger, I need to feel free to use my own advice and apply it. It’s amazing at how critical human nature can be, even towards ourselves. As endlessly philosophical as we can be, we’re still adjusting to align our hearts and minds, as one.

Less fear, doubt, anxiety….and more hope, faith, love, health and prosperity.

Rie Kang facilitates the Feline Linx Meetup in San Francisco, CA and has her own holistic massage practice. You can email her at: rientherapy@gmail.com. You can read more of her musings at: riebee.wordpress.com

Divorce, Women, and Success Series: Sascha Rothchild

Kim Hess — Thu, 25 Feb 2010 00:42:58 +0000

Yours in success!
-Kim Hess Divorce Guru

Success After Divorce By 30

by Sascha Rothchild

Many people have told me I seem really cheery for a divorced person. Why wouldn’t I? Divorce has treated me well. It was being unhappily married that made me grumpy!

I got married when I was 27, to my boyfriend of 3 years, and at 29 and a half I was planning my 30th birthday party when I realized I didn’t want my husband on the guest list. Talk about a red flag! It was then I knew I would be divorced by 30. I had to tell my husband I wasn’t in love with him anymore. He wasn’t at all shocked since he was no longer in love with me. I had to admit to my parents that their big wedding present would be going to waste and sheepishly alert my friends who thought my hubby and I were the perfect couple that, in fact, we were not.

When it came to marriage I had failed. But amazingly, having the strength to get divorced rather than to wallow in mediocrity for the next 50 years propelled me into a new decade with energy, optimism, courage and a whole lot of charisma. Being married to someone who just wasn’t that into me was draining and depressing and it wasn’t until my ex moved out that I realized I had a lot more to offer than being a frustrated unfulfilled nag.

Ever since I was a little girl with a pink diary and a purple pen, writing has always been my passion and my career goal. I moved to Los Angeles right after college to pursue my dream and although I had some marginal success it wasn’t until after my divorce that people started really connecting to my work. I had always been told I was funny, but that my characters lacked a certain depth.

Once I dealt with the death of my marriage by sitting on the floor of my apartment and sobbing and sitting on my therapists couch and emoting and sitting in front of the mirror and admitting to myself that I was a mess and I couldn’t pull off blue eyeliner no matter how hard I tried, my writing opened up and became three dimensional. I had feelings, I could admit to being vulnerable, I was aware of those post-divorce pendulum swings of elation and devastation and I was able to harness all that in my writing.

I wrote an article about how all my friends and I were divorced by 30 and instead of it being a cynical cautionary tale, I came at it from the perspective that divorce can be a needed rite of passage. It can be a positive rather than an embarrassing piece of baggage. That popular article spawned my memoir How To Get Divorced By 30 and finally my start and stop career was go go go!

Divorce sucks. It isn’t easy. But if you have the wherewithal to get out of a bad marriage, then I believe you have the wherewithal to achieve whatever goals you set for yourself. New job? Fitting into that prom dress? Finally taking the trip to Europe? Those things are easy compared to having to tell your spouse to sign those papers.

Marriage did not bring the confident emotionally open side out of me but surprisingly divorce did, making me a much better writer. And for that I will always thank my ex husband, not just for marrying me, but for divorcing me too.

SASCHA ROTHCHILD is the author of HOW TO GET DIVORCED BY 30: My Misguided Attempt at a Starter Marriage. She grew up in Miami Beach where she did stuff. She then went to Boston College where she learned stuff. Right after graduating with a concentration in playwriting, she moved to Los Angeles to begin her writing career and found there was a whole lot more stuff to do and learn. Sascha has been featured on NPR’s This American Life, is on their best-of CD Hope and Fear, and has appeared in their series for Showtime. She is one of the original performers in the stage show Mortified and is published in Simon and Schuster’s Mortified book. Sascha is a television producer and writer and also periodically writes for LA Weekly, LA Times, Women’s Health Magazine and MSN. She keeps people entertained and offended with her weekly blogs on Politics Daily and Psychology Today Magazine. Sascha is currently in bed with Universal Studios to pen her latest feature film. Not a day goes by that she doesn’t consume, or wish she was consuming, frozen yogurt. Visit her website at www.sascharothchild.com.

Divorce, Women, and Success Series: Nancy Weil

Kim Hess — Tue, 23 Feb 2010 19:02:14 +0000

Yours in success!
-Kim Hess Divorce Guru

Hope After Heartache

there is always hope

“Until death do us part,” went the vows that I made. I believed that would be the case and I lived knowing that I would always be married. Sometimes it does not take a death to cause the parting, just two lawyers and a lot of money. In my case I went through a very difficult divorce after twenty years of marriage. I actually asked for the divorce on the day before our twentieth anniversary! I tell people that the warranty ran out.

The truth was that I realized that if I was unable to make him happy after twenty years, it was unlikely to happen in the next twenty. Some people just don’t want to be happy… I do. Now it was no longer my job to spend my time trying to figure out a way to make him happy. Just writing it I can see the absurdity in the concept, but at that time in my life I was sure that somewhere it was within me to find a way to lead him towards joy.

The first thing I learned was that if you work with your husband and you ask for a divorce, you will lose your job! That was only one of the things I lost. I also lost my house, my kids half the time, my friends, even my dog! I felt like my basket had been emptied and I trusted that God would help me find a way to fill it again.

So, I started over. I went back to college and got my degree in business. I found a job that I love. I made new friends, started a wonderful relationship and pursued new interests. I went to a therapist who helped me to find myself again after so many years of emotional abuse. I relied upon my faith and explored my spirituality. Through this I discovered my gifts as a medium and spiritual teacher. I became an expert on the benefits of laughter and I found my calling in helping people who are grieving a loss. I also realized that I am not responsible for anyone’s happiness but my own. When people ask how I am, I always answer “fabulous” or “terrific” or any other superlative that comes to mind. While I may not always feel that way at the moment, I continue to focus on what I want and what I want is to feel good. Nothing has been handed to me. I have had to work hard to get to where I am today and that includes working hard to find my own path to happiness.

Nancy Weil is a nationally known speaker in the area of humor and grief. Through her business, The Laugh Academy, Nancy teaches her clients how to apply laughter in their daily lives in order to bring about immediate, positive changes. She is an internationally known psychic medium and spiritual teacher who offers consultations in person or by phone. To learn more about the services and products that Nancy offers, visit her website: www.thelaughacademy.com

Who should pay for a date?

Kim Hess — Sun, 21 Feb 2010 09:16:00 +0000

Thanks for all the comments on how cute I look in this video. That’s what divorce can do for you!

Who should pay for a date? The man? The woman? Both? Neither…which I guess would entail doing dishes in the kitchen to pay for the meal!

Should men ALWAYS pay for a first date? Should men pay for every date? How do you feel if your date wants you to pay for half of the bill? Is he being cheap, or just respecting gender equality?

Enjoy and comment if you agree, or if you think your Divorce Guru is crazy (well, we all know I’m crazy, just comment on what YOU think!)

Love and chocolate kisses,
KHDG







		
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Related posts:
When you divorced date online you’re getting leftovers
Should a woman ask a guy for a date?
Divorced dating tips 1-3



F*ck Tiger Wood’s apology!
Kim Hess — Fri, 19 Feb 2010 19:43:46 +0000

F*ck his apology to the world...save it for wifey
Hello dear ones!  I have to make this quick because I am in the midst of revising a soon to be best selling book I’m co-authoring with the fabulous Mike the Master Dater. Stay tuned, it’s gonna be great. But I had to get this Tiger Woods apology in for y’all.  Watch the apology video below.
You read the title.  Yeah, I said it (or wrote it!) and I mean it.  F*ck Tiger Wood’s apology.  Those of you who know me, I don’t curse.  But I felt this was appropriate, for the topic at hand. (get it Tiger Woods, all the sex, the f-word? See what I did there?!)
Anyway, at first, like everyone else, your Divorce Guru thought it was cool and great that Tiger would be giving a live public apology to select family and friends…which would then be broadcast throughout the world and streamed live on You Tube. Whaaa?  But then I started getting mad.  That’s right, your Divorce Guru gets mad sometimes.
Who’s business is it that Tiger Woods has cheated on his wife with many, many, many, many, many, many, many, MANY white women?  Yeah, it’s fun for all of us to write about it, talk about it, make videos about it, but really is it our business?  Is it making us unable to sleep at night?  Are we losing money over the Tiger Wood’s scandal?  Changing our lives and how we raise our children?  
No.
So why is Tiger apologizing to us, the world, the public?  Well, one answer is because his PR team told him to.  He needs to get that good guy, boring golfer image back so he can get back those sponsors.  
The main reason:  because the world expects and wants him to.  But why?
Are we married to Tiger Woods?  Do we have sex with Tiger Woods? (well, if you’re a woman and white, and under the age of 60, there IS a good chance that you are having sex with Tiger Woods, so let’s not count you!)  But yet, the public expects this grown man to apologize to them for what?  For breaking a promise, a deal with his wife?  His wife is the only one that deserves an apology…and lots of groveling, an expensive piece of jewelery, and lots of feet kissing for at least 5 years!
So that’s why I say F*ck Tiger Wood’s apology.  The big production, the public crying…it’s not worth it (except for those millions of dollars he’ll gain by being all weepy and sad, and remorseful.)  Save it for your wife Elin, and start behaving the way your wife feels a husband should behave.  Which I’m guessing is NOT sleeping with every woman who brings you a cocktail in Vegas!
Until the next Tiger Woods debacle,

KHDG
p.s. read my letter to Tiger Woods about his apology!






		
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Related posts:
Why does Tiger Woods pay for sex?
Tiger Woods Athlete of Decade but Elin Nordegren still divorcing him
Tiger Woods Affair Photos costing him lots and lots of moolah…was it worth it?



Divorce, Women, and Success Series:  Lynnda Ell
Kim Hess — Tue, 16 Feb 2010 19:29:03 +0000

This post is a part of Divorce Guru’s “Divorce, Women, and Success” series.  For the next few months I will profile women who have achieved the bulk of their success after divorce to provide you with hope,motivation and inspiration that you too can succeed in life after divorce! These stories will also be featured on Divorce Guru on EnergyTalkRadio.com. 

Yours in success!

-Kim Hess Divorce Guru

A Life Renewed by Lynnda Ell


Your life can be renewed after divorce
Broken

Goodbye

He went away

Hasta la vista baby

I don’t live here anymore

Slashing words of pain to make

Grey ashes from amazing joy

Believing it to be forever

Pain overwhelms

When morning comes alone

Too late for a new love

Too soon for the grave
The lines of that poem by Joan Gilbert could easily have been a summation of my marriage when I divorced my husband at age 40. It is the too common story of trust and love betrayed. Nevertheless, that poem is not my story.
My story began with two hearts broken by our high school sweethearts. Both my husband and I were on the rebound. We met at the wedding of a mutual friend when we were 19 years old. We corresponded for several months, and then he asked me to marry him. I said yes for two reasons; I was in love with whom I thought he was and I was afraid that no one else would ever want me. Rebound will do that to you.
We were married for 19 years and had two children, but my husband continued going to bars and picking up women. I didn’t have to confront this because I didn’t go to the bars. Also, since he was in the military and we moved every two or three years, I never got to know anyone in the community well enough for the gossip to get back to me.
This was a time of suffering for me. Many times, I asked God to either kill me or kill my husband. Thankfully, God did neither; instead, my husband abandoned me for a woman just a few years older than our oldest child.
I was a junior in college by then, with two children in high school. By a series of miracles, we were able to survive for a year when I had only a 10-hour per week job at the university. That was a year of panic attacks and teenage rebellion.
The following year I graduated from college with a degree in electrical engineering. I was hired by a Fortune 500 electric power company and moved to a new city. My career life was challenging and stimulating. My family life was peaceful and enjoyable. My social life, centered on serving others in my church, was satisfying and rewarding. I even had a couple of boy friends, though nothing permanent ever resulted.
After 23 years, I am single, still, and love the life I’m living. I’m not sorry that I married. I became who I am because of my response to being married to an unfaithful man. I also have two wonderful children who are more than worth the cost. For me, my marriage was the disaster, my divorce was the solution.  Life is wonderful!
Learn more about Lynnda Ell can be found at her website.  Her book Changing Me, Change the World: Prayers from the Psalms, Book I can be purchased from Amazon.com or from BarnesandNoble.com.





		
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Related posts:
Divorce, Women, and Success Series: Nancy Weil
Divorce, Women, and Success Series: Sascha Rothchild
Divorce, Women, and Success Series: Julie Stokes



Divorce and Suicide
Kim Hess — Mon, 15 Feb 2010 00:30:08 +0000

McQueen and his mother who died a week before he committed suicide
I was shocked when I heard about the death of fashion designer Alexander’s McQueen’s a few days ago. I was saddened when I found out he had committed suicide.  
There have been hundreds of articles written about his death, his achievements, his fashions. One thing I noticed was how few times the actual word “suicide” came up when talking about his death.
I believe this is the case because the word suicide, like divorce, carries such a negative connotation.  That if we don’t talk about it, how to prevent it, how to get these topics more out in the open, that they just won’t happen.  If you’re reading this, you, like me, know that divorce will occur whether we talk about it or not.  Just like suicide. 
I don’t think many people are aware that if you are divorced or divorcing you are three times as likely to commit suicide than others who are married.  THREE times.  I find this number shocking and tragic.
A divorce can significantly  increase a person’s risk for suicide.
One study by the National Institute for Healthcare Research indicates that divorced people are three times as likely to die by suicide as people who are married.

Thus, if you are going through a divorce, you need to get a strong support network in place. And get into therapy, whether you think you need to or not. Be proactive. -from Suicide.org
I’m reaching out here to anyone who feels like they just can’t live another day.  Who feels, almost KNOWS, that they can’t take the pain of having to live life.  I know because I’ve been there.  A few times.
Through my blog, and Examiner column, and radio show, I exhibit and radiate joy, hope, and how fun life can be.  But me, just like some of you who may be reading this, have felt the darkness of pain and thought it was easier not to be here anymore…my divorce had caused me this much pain.
Let Kim Hess Divorce Guru give you some hope.  Hope that the world is a good place to be, and that “trouble don’t last always.”  I believe I was put here for a reason, and so were you.  Reach out to someone, anyone and tell them how you feel.  Please believe me when I say that people do care.  You just have to let them know you need help.
I got up the courage and asked for help.  From my mom.  From my sister. From my dad.  From a suicide hotline.
I pay tribute to the wonderful Alexander McQueen.  I also pay tribute to you…please stick around so you can appreciate it.
-KHDG
1-800-SUICIDE  	   	1-800-273-TALK

1-800-784-2433 	  	1-800-273-8255 
If you are contemplating suicide, please read this first





		
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Related posts:
Kim Hess Does Not Equal Divorce Guru
Divorce, Women, and Success Series: Nancy Weil
Divorce, Women, and Success Series:  Lynnda Ell



Divorce and Women’s Success Series:  Sonia Pressman Fuentes
Kim Hess — Fri, 12 Feb 2010 05:11:11 +0000

This post is a part of Divorce Guru’s “Divorce and Women’s Success” series.  For the next few months I will profile women who have achieved the bulk of their success after divorce to provide you with hope,motivation and inspiration that you too can succeed in life after divorce! These stories will also be featured on Divorce Guru on EnergyTalkRadio.com. 

Yours in success!

-Kim Hess Divorce Guru
Victory from divorce by becoming an author and commissioner
Sonia Pressman Fuentes

Speaker, Author:  Eat First–You Don’t Know What They’ll Give You, The Adventures of an Immigrant Family and Their Feminist Daughter
Shortly before the holiday season in 1978, my husband, Roberto, told me he didn’t think he loved me anymore.  I was fifty years old, was living and working in Stamford, Connecticut, had been married for eight years, and had a six-year-old daughter named Zia.  I was stunned.  All my life I had looked forward to getting married and having a child.   I had finally done it at the age of forty-two–and now this. 
Once I got over the initial shock, I suggested we go for therapy.
“Roberto,” I said, you already left one wife and three children.  Don’t do it again. We have a beautiful home, good jobs, enough money, and a child who’s gold and diamonds.  Let’s go for help.”
 Roberto asked for some time to think it over, thought it over for a few days, and said, “I guess I’d better move out.”   Within two weeks, he was out of the house.
I didn’t know how I’d manage.  In the past when we went out, Roberto would  pick up the babysitter while I remained home with Zia and later he’d drive her home.  How would I manage now?
For a short time, euphoria set in, and I danced around the house.  I was free now–free of the tension in our home–free of wondering how he felt about me and our life together.
But then something else happened.  The euphoria left me, and for weeks thereafter my taste buds didn‘t work. Everything I ate tasted like cardboard.
I was so busy trying to survive that I paid scant attention to Zia.  Three months later, I learned that she hadn’t told any of her classmates that Roberto and I had split.  She adored her father and couldn’t bring herself to tell her friends he had left us.  None of her friends had divorced parents.  Once I learned this, I took it upon myself to tell them.
And then, little by little, things started to get better.  The babysitter problem that had so concerned me was solved easily.  My neighbors across the street had a teen-age daughter, who was happy to baby sit for us.
I filed for a divorce, it took 1½ years, but it came through.  I found I didn’t have any money problems.  I had a good job as a senior attorney with a multinational corporation.  In addition, I had bought our house shortly after our marriage with my own money and put it in my name.
At the end of 1981, I found an even better job and moved to Cleveland, Ohio.  After four years in Cleveland, I returned to the Washington, DC, area, where I had lived for many years before moving to Stamford.  I took a job in the General Counsel’s Office of a federal agency. Zia finished high school, went off to college, eventually got a Master’s in Business Administration, and joined the world of work.
On May 30, 1993, my sixty-fifth birthday, I retired.
So now not only had my married life ended, but so had my working life–or so I thought.  Since 1957, I had been an attorney–for the federal government and multinational corporations. What was left for me now?
It took me  1½ years to get my act together after I retired, and therapy helped. And then I began writing my memoir, Eat First–You Don’t Know What They’ll Give You, The Adventures of an Immigrant Family and Their Feminist Daughter.  It took 5½ years, after which I self-published it with Xlibris Corporation.  I became one of their best-selling authors and last year they made a video about me to use in their marketing endeavors.
A friend suggested I contact a guy who ran a feminist web site.  I did so, and he volunteered to create a web site for me.  He maintains it to this day at www.erraticimpact.com
In order to market my book, I began speaking at book stores, colleges and universities, and organizations, and almost before I knew it I had embarked on new careers as a writer and public speaker. My work before retirement had turned me into one of this country’s experts on gender discrimination and the legal revolution in women’s rights that had taken place in this country. I built upon that expertise now.
I began going to Sarasota, Florida, in the winters: first, for a few weeks; then, for a longer period of time each year.  In 1994, I bought a condo there, and  in 2006, I moved there full-time.
Sarasota is a unique community: it’s a small town with big city amenities.  It has a fabulous cultural and social life. (It has an art movie house, several theaters, a ballet, museums, a symphony, and several colleges.)  There are endless opportunities for volunteering and every organization and club one could imagine.
I’m a commissioner on the Sarasota Commission on the Status of Women and co-president of the Sarasota-Manatee chapter of Americans United for Church and State.  I’m a member of the Congregation for Humanistic Judaism, the local NOW (National Organization for Women) chapter, and the local Brandeis University Women’s Committee.  I usher at two theaters and belong to a theater guild.  I’ve been featured in several articles in the local newspaper. 
On February 15, 2010, two California filmmakers are flying to Sarasota to make a video of me for their series, The Wisdom of Elders Across America.  They’re also interested in making a film about the founders of NOW, of whom I’m one, based on research I did in December 2009 and January 2010 about the founders.
 My divorce and subsequent retirement forced me to seek new worlds to enter. As my mother used to say, “When one door closes, another one opens.” Many doors have opened for me. I do not believe they would have opened if the first one hadn’t closed.
©2010 by Sonia Pressman Fuentes





		
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